My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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