dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
