listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
