You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
