Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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