We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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