Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
