If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
