before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
40s are totally the cure
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
