I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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