she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
