In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
