Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
