If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
