How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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