idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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