I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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