fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In other news, I just burned my penis
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
