I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
