You're my little dorito
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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