i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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