Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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