We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
