sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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