Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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