Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
