Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
