I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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