It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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