Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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