If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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