my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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