I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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