I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
