Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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