Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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