i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
