I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
