I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
