i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
high people should be assigned attendants
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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