Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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