i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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