How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
