he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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