I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
