I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
