I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
