Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
