How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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