im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
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