i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
