I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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